He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
