God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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