sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
