So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
