i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
