I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
