I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
