I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
