you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
