I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
