i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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