so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
