My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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