I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I did not marry a roomba.
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