i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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