Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
