Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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