its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
