Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
