I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
