my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
