The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
