Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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