literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
