really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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