god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
