wrigley field is MILF paradise
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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