made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
