come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
