when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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