Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
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my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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