My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
