Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm jealous of your bromance
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
