dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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