he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
