My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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