My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have fence marks all over my body
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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