Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
