good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
