He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
