Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Im part way to drunk.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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