Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
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This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize