booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
