Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
