his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
