im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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