my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
