Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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