i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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