So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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