He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
