Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
