I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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