Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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