I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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